Grandma Roper's Sacrifice

Part 1 of: How I Got the Perfect Husband

Grandma Roper could be a very annoying person. She would send us itchy wool undershirts which we were required to wear all winter. She sent us non-flouridated toothpaste. She made sure we breathed through our noses rather than our mouths. We always had to carry little collapsible drinking cups (which she referred to as "herpes" cups) to use at drinking fountains. And worst of all, she convinced my mom to stop using American cheese and white bread. Grilled cheese sandwiches never tasted good again.

Growing up, I found Grandma Roper to be fascinating. Even back in the early seventies, she wore jelly shoes decorated with plastic jewels (ok, she was a Californian, so give her a break). Her clothes and make-up were amazingly bright, and she was always "fixed" (as I think Southerners would say). She was also a very devout Christian. For at least six of my birthdays I received a new Schoefield bible from her. We could earn money by learning verses. We were also given long talks about finding the right husband. A favorite saying of hers (which I didn't understand for a long time) was "three minutes of pleasure equal a lifetime of pain". Another was, "make sure that the man you pick is healthy." Grandma was a character. She cared about us, prayed for us, and tried to teach us the best way she knew how.

I think one of the biggest lessons she taught me, however, was one of the few topics she never verbally discussed with me. It was that a Christian only gets one choice in a mate (except in the case of death). There are no second chances.

Grandma Roper was divorced. She became a divorcee during a time when it was very unfavorably viewed. I don't know the details, but from what I gathered as a child, her divorce was scripturably justified. Grandma Roper supported herself and cared for her three children.

Enter into the story a man named Miles. Again, I don't know the whole story because as a child I rightly wasn't privy to a lot of information. What I did know was that Miles loved Grandma. He wanted her to marry him. He asked over and over again for years and years. And she always said no. It wasn't that she didn't like him- she did. But her reason was this: she believed that according to scripture she was not allowed to marry again. It didn't matter if she might be happier. She didn't feel that it was her due to have another attempt at a happy marriage . It didn't matter that all of her children would have given her their blessings. She believed that scripturally, she could not be remarried.

As a child I thought Grandma was being totally ridiculous. I thought she should marry Miles. It certainly wouldn't bother any of us. The scripture might apply in most cases, but she was a good woman who deserved marital bliss and it wouldn't hurt anyone. But what I didn't realize that I was learning a very important lesson which would direct my life's path. I learned that it was vitally important to choose the right mate the first time. (Even though I didn't want to, I suspected that Grandma's scriptural view was the correct one.) It was a one-time only choice and there was no room for error. And, if one does make the wrong choice and must get divorced, that's that, as far as marriage goes. No second chance.

So, Grandma didn't get married again and my life continued on. The first man I considered marrying was a strong Christian, attractive, and shared my life goals (stay-at-home wife, mother to many). There was nothing wrong with him. I thought he was a good man and that I should marry him. But I didn't love him. I thought we could probably have a successful (if not happy) marriage, but in the end, decided not to take my one chance on him.

The next man I considered marrying I did feel in love with. But, there was no arguing the scriptural arguments against this marriage. For one thing, he wasn't a Christian. He also did not share my life goals. As much as I thought we could make it work out anyway, I always knew in the back of my mind that I had only 1 chance. I finally (wisely) decided that the risks for this choice were too big. (Also, Grandma would have also added in that he was not healthy, since he had a brain aneurism, although this wasn't a factor for me.)

Although I felt time was running out for me as far as age went, I always knew that I only had one choice, and it had to be the right one.

Eventually I met Brad. I knew on our first date that he was the ONE. Grandma met him and knew he was the ONE (she didn't know that he didn't have healthy genes :-). We got married a year and a half later. After twelve years, I still know that I made the right choice. I think we are the most happily married couple I know.

Now, looking back on my childish annoyance with Grandma in respect to Miles: I thought that since none of us cared, her unscriptural marriage to Miles wouldn't hurt anyone. But you know what? It most likely would have affected me. I probably would have ignored those little twinges inside of me telling me that husband possiblilites #1 or #2 weren't right for me. I might have assumed (although not outright acknowledged) that if they didn't work out I could still find marital happiness with someone else later, like Grandma (if she had married Miles). I wouldn't have waited for my perfect husband.

The lesson I learned from Grandma's sacrifice of her own happiness has given me me the best life ever-- marriage to the right man and motherhood to four wonderful children who get to grow up in a happy family. No split marriage, no insecure children bouncing back and forth between parents, no blended family, all thanks to making the right choice the first time.

I know several remarried divorced people, some of my best friends fall into this category. They are happy, some have children, they are accepted by their church communities. I'm glad for them. I realize that their individual lives are better for it. And, when I see their happy lives, I'm reminded of all Grandma gave up in order to do the right thing. I see why scripture does not look kindly on remarriage after divorce. It lessens the importance of making the right choice the first time and subtly encourages other people (maybe their own precious relatives) considering marriage to take "a chance" instead of making sure that the person they are marrying is the right one.

Oh, and by the way... no white bread or American cheese for my kids either :-)